BYU Student Attempts Suicide

Late on Nov 20th, a student at BYU went to the Provo temple with a gun and held it to his chest with the intent to shoot himself. He was apparently upset over recent disciplinary action that had been taken against him by the Mormon Church. A friend was there talking to him when the police arrived, and one policeman joined the conversation. An hour later they talked the young man out of taking his life.

A year ago there was not a happy ending, and this is the column I wrote then.

The Death of a BYU Freshman
By: Lester Leavitt
September 13, 2007 – Fort Lauderdale, Fla – The newspaper story only said that he was found dead in his dorm room by a roommate, and even that story was held off for more than five days “out of respect” to the family. No other coverage was forthcoming, so I was left to the bloggersphere for the rest of the story.
One blogger finally got the ball rolling with this: “Not to give details encourages the worst speculations. This is not mean, just logical, because we are questioning, analytical beings. If it were murder the police would have an ongoing investigation and the public would need to know. If it were medical there were would be no shame, so [no] need to keep it private. If it is psychological, as everyone assumes in the absence of information, then keeping it silent only confirms it.”
It was only a few more posts before somebody with some ‘local knowledge’ came in with this volley: “I know this is a difficult time for the family, but I think people should discuss the cause of death. It is a topic that needs to be addressed...not brushed under the carpet. The night I heard the news, I sat down with my boys and had an open discussion about what happened to David. I would like to think that other people could learn from his mistake and perhaps another life could be spared.”
Soon, somebody with some spine came in with a hint of truth: “I learned of this event on Friday from an email written from his father. I too wondered why this was not at least published, details or no details, which of course always leads to speculation. To lose any life so young with such great potential is heartbreaking. And to lose one's only son is of utmost grief. But to blame David for "his mistake" is insulting to anyone who has ever suffered from any type of depression or mental illness...and as for many it is still speculation as to how this young man died. He was a great kid! Yes, we can all learn from the experiences of life, but at this time the family has asked for the sharing of how vibrant, loving, and loyal David was.”
The youngest child – 10 years behind nearest sibling...
By all accounts, a super-achiever...
Best-little-boy-in-the-world...
Every reason in the world to live...
Sudden 'unexplained' death that nobody's talking about, not the least of which was BYU, which undoubtedly used its significant influence in keeping the story hushed until the funeral...
No girlfriends signed his on-line funeral guestbook, but lots of "our son was very close to David" entries...
We will probably never know anything else about this boy. I knew someone just like him in 1978. I was that boy.
I was deep in denial as a freshman when I, like David, spent my first month far away from home and family. Nobody would have had any reason to ever suspect what I dealt with within the first 3 weeks of college. That was when I was faced with my Robert Frost moment.
"Two roads diverged in the yellow wood."
That decision, and how hard it was to make, remains vivid in my mind! Also, like David, I was living in university housing, making friends with new guys that I wanted to get to know in a different way than I had known all of those familiar kids back in high school.
When I had my Robert Frost moment back then, I opened up a part of my soul that I had never looked into before, and it scared me to death to even admit it existed. It went something like this:
I had been invited to a hot tub party by one of my floor buddies. I lived on the 7th floor of Hendey Hall at the University of Alberta (Edmonton AB Canada). It was to be a floor exchange party with 7th Kelsey (the girl’s dorms). I asked naively, "what happens at a hot tub party?" My friend answered, "With any luck, we'll all get naked!"
The only thought I remember having was "a hot tub full of naked men!". The thought that there would be girls there - naked - didn't even enter my head for a second.
The “perfect-little-Mormon-boy” inside me kicked in and whispered to me, "Lester, don't even think it. It's immoral."
The black angel on the other shoulder whispered, "But it will be sooooo fun."
The “Mormon-boy” angel then whispered, "The only reason you want to go is to see all those naked men! What are you…gay?"
"Gay?” Where did that word come from?
Me? Gay? Is that possible?
Yes, in that instant, for me, two weeks short of my 19th birthday, I saw it very clearly.
"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both and be one traveler, long I stood and looked down one as far as I could."
That Friday night, instead of going to a hot tub party, a good-little-Mormon-boy went to the dance at the church and sat in a dark corner and watched people dance. The punch and brownies were delicious.
I heard the next morning that everybody did, indeed, get naked.
I'm not saying that a certain BYU freshman who committed suicide on September 6th, 2007 was gay, but I for one can see how within three weeks of arriving at university, far from home, he might have had to face, for the first time in his life, a part of himself that he could no longer pretend didn't exist.
Until August of 2004 I never shared with a living soul the thoughts that went through my head during that time of my life, but for the next 30 years I was busy condemning myself for even having had the thoughts at all!

******************************
The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could.
To where it bent in the undergrowth,

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost (1920)