[This blog post was written as a letter to my four children to apologize to them...and warn them.]
July 24, 2008
I am asking each of you to please go see the movie 'September Dawn'. It is a fictionalized account of the Mountain Meadows Massacre. It has a powerful message about how the Mormon Church achieves their cult-like mind control through the temple ordinance called "Blood Atonement." I know, this is another long letter from your dad, and even if you don't really want to read this, I need to write it in order to find closure.
Now I know that P__ and F___ will likely have some opposition to the idea that I want them to go see this movie (from their TBM friends - True Blue Mormons), but I'm not asking you to go see it in the frame of reference as "Brigham Young lied!". That is what most Mormon's think the movie is about, but there is a much deeper theme of Mormonism exposed in the movie. Please read this letter carefully.
The movie is an interpretation of events, and was not made to be a Discovery Channel documentary. The guy made the movie to portray religious fanaticism as dangerous, and the fact remains, whether Brigham Young was involved or not, a culture of fanaticism did exist to the degree that local church leaders had enough power over the minds of 50-60 men (some of them very likely Leavitt's because Santa Clara is less than 20 miles away from Mountain Meadows) that they could convince them that God wanted 120 innocent men, women, and children slaughtered in cold blood. The oath of secrecy was made to this Mormon God that they worshiped, and it was strong enough that only one man came clean with a confession of those events, and it took 20 years to compile enough evidence to execute him for his role as the leader of the 'death squad'. The truth will never be known but it is likely that this man "fell on his sword" to protect Brigham Young and his stake president.
I need you to see the movie and monitor the young man named Micah, from the opening scene until the end. The local Bishop is portrayed as having two special sons, Micah and Jonathan. Micah is obedient in every way, and even though he is in his early 20's he already has at least 2 wives. Jonathan, a half-brother who is from another wife, has resisted pressure from his father to marry because he has not fallen in love yet.
Micah's obedience is blind, but Jonathan always questions 'why' before he obeys. Both boys are fiercely loyal to each other, and are good right to the core. The only difference is their level of submission to the culture of the church.
If the culture of the church had been good and healthy in every way, both boys would have lived very similar lives, but that is seldom the case. Jonathan's life had a very different outcome simply be he was willing to question authority when his heart told him that to follow in blind obedience would be unethical. I want you kids to all be Jonathan's!
I was like Micah. I followed in blind obedience to what church culture told me to do.
The scene from the movie that I want to be imprinted in your minds for the rest of your lives is the scene that has Jonathan and Micah face-to-face as the massacre comes to its conclusion.
A_____, when you assert that I could have chosen differently about 'coming out' at the age of 18 instead of 44, I want you to picture that scene, and understand the consequences to me that I would have experienced in that kind of 1850's culture that exists even to this day in tight Mormon communities like Cardston.
I did not have the courage that Jonathan had, and instead chose to be a Micah. After you see the movie (you may have to watch it twice), you will have a better understanding of the mind control, and how it is achieved.
I was programmed to think that to even have doubts about Mormonism would mean eternal condemnation - complete and absolute separation for the eternities from my brothers and sisters and parents - displeasing my God that I loved - and the breaking of covenants that I made in the temple. Most importantly, the covenants as they were at the time I made them carried the penalties of death and condemnation that are portrayed very well in the movie. P_____, the covenants that you have made in the temple are very mellow compared to the ones that I made.
What is discussed in the movie about "blood atonement" is not an exaggeration of the wording of the old covenants I made. When making the covenants in the 1970's and 1980's, in reference to the breaking of the covenants made in the temple, we were obligated to utter the words, "...rather than do so, I would suffer...my life...to be taken." Those words "...my life..." are uttered while making a slashing motion across your neck, your chest, and your belly. The oath is taken three times, for each of three covenants you make in the temple. If you look up "blood atonement" in Wikipedia you get a good idea of how weird that doctrine is.
Yes, I will say it very plainly so that P____ and F____ will make no mistake about it. Your mother and I made covenants in the temple that carried with them penalties of horrible and awful deaths if we should break them! The church has wisely chosen to change the wording of those covenants in the past 25 years.
Those are the kinds of covenants that created the environment under which the Mountain Meadows Massacre occurred and under which, in my day and age, gay Mormon boys chose to marry women (or alternatively commit suicide when they realize where their thoughts are taking them and they have made every effort to change, and failed)!
The church of my day was still governing by fear! Fear of a vengeful, punishing God. The temple covenants were first and foremost about obedience, backed up by fear, not love. P_____, this might be hard for you to take, and I know it is all about perspective for people, and everyone has their own perspective.
My perspective was from that of a gay young adult who found nothing drawing me to a woman, and everything drawing me to a man as my eternal companion. Attend the temple once in my shoes, and add in the old wording, and you will have a better idea of the world that I lived in.
But I want to affirm very strongly that this is not about me. This is about the consequences that this covenant held for your mother, and about me owning the damage that I did to her in the name of a made-up God. Just as Micah participated in the murder of 120 innocent men, women and children, I caused a great deal of harm in trying to honor my temple covenants. The emotional abuse that your mother experienced because of the blind allegiance that I gave to the church was immense.
Micah said it best (from my perspective) in the movie when he said, "Women fall in love with men, but I don't think men are expected to fall in love with their wives." It was never expected that I love your mother when I married her. I simply had a duty to marry her.
The advice that I received was similar when it was explained to everybody in my generation that "if I would just get married, then God would fix everything", but the simple truth was, I had to be married in order to fulfill the temple covenants that I had made!
For the first 10 years of our marriage I was on auto pilot - a zombie - going about life without giving anything to your mother in the way of emotional intimacy. I had shut down after the honeymoon when nothing in the way of a miracle had materialized. I kept waiting for the miracle, doing what I could, making sure that the sex was good for both of us, but a marriage is more than good sex.
Your mother tried to live a life that always seemed to be at odds with the church culture, and to this day it is obvious that Mormon women will never be her kind, but instead of allowing your mother to be the 'good person' that she is, I, along with my family, insisted that 'being good' was not 'good enough'. The only kind of 'good' that is 'good enough' in a Mormon culture has already been defined by the Relief Society, and if you don't measure up against that standard, then you've got to just 'suck it up' and do better.
And don't you ever dare to doubt the authority of the priesthood, or assert your individuality if it opposes the doctrine of the church in any way.
Because I was emotionally unavailable to your mother right from the day we were married (while we were dating, we got along famously and were the best of friends), we never really had much to build a marriage with, but we both knew what we were supposed to do, so we put on a good face and went through the motions.
When your mother first suggested that we leave the church or she would be forced to separate from me I told her that because she would not have raised you kids in the church that I would do all in my power to gain full custody of you children in the event of a divorce. At the time, your mother had been driven (by my "Micah-like" behavior) to the brink of a nervous breakdown, and it would not have been difficult to convince any judge that she was unfit as a parent. Your mother knew that I would have my family and the church community to back up my claims as witnesses in court. Your mother had no other friends outside of the church to come to her rescue. It would be her word alone against an army of opposition!
The church, and myself as a blindly obedient pawn of the church, turned your mother into a shell of a human being - her spirit broken - her will to fight for an identity of her own spent. She never knew what clothes to buy because her idea of 'style' was different from the church standards. She never knew what art to do because her idea of 'art' was different than what was displayed in the chapels and temples and homes of 'good' Latter-day Saints. She never knew how to decorate her home because her idea of a comfortable living room had a completely different feel than the homes of 'good' Latter-day Saints.
She sacrificed it all - everything - in an effort to be the person that I would fall in love with, because beneath it all, she had fallen in love with me and wanted me to love her back. This is the mother that you lived with for most of your childhood years, and the mother you remember. She is not the woman that I had made friends with before we were married.
I want you kids to know that I would give my life for you to know the woman that I knew in the winter of 1980/1981! F____, I look at you, living on your own now, carefree, happy to be alive - and I see your mother as she used to be back then.
I have never felt sick to my stomach for any reason other than for food poisoning or a virus, but I almost threw-up during the movie. When I saw the portrayal of Micah I saw myself for who I had been for the first time in my life, and I was physically ill.
When Mickey and I left the theater, I insisted on walking down the river trail because I was afraid I would be sick in the car. I held myself together until we were away from other people and then I collapsed on a bench in tears as I tried to tell Mickey through my sobs of how I had never used a gun as Micah did, but nevertheless had destroyed a life through my blind obedience to a culture that put conformity on a podium as an idol to be worshipped, regardless of the personal cost. Conformity that goes so far as demanding all adherents wear identical underwear!
Forget the fact that I was a closeted gay for over 30 years. Forget the personal cost to me of being something that I was not. I take full responsibility for putting my own life back in order, and I can live with what I lost and do my best to make-up for that in my new authentic life.
Yesterday I realized the full depth of the consequences of my behavior in your mother's life. She put her trust in me, and my behavior stole something of infinite value from her. It is a debt that I can never repay.
Like Micah in the movie, I realize now (far too late) that my behavior has done irreparable harm to another human being, and there is nothing I can do to restore to your mother what I stole from her; her dignity, her happiness, her individuality.
I love you kids more than life itself. I am so sorry that your lives have also been so adversely affected by the chain of events over which you have had no control.
Your mother and I are so glad to have you in our lives, and we will continue to live the fullness of our lives with you. I do not want any of us to look back with regret, but rather with understanding of what brought us to this point.
It is our duty now to use that understanding to build a meaningful life as authentic individuals, and to find all of those things that will create lasting happiness. That will be infinitely easier if you all stay far away from Mormonism and their damaging culture of blind obedience.
Thank you for taking the time to try and understand me and where I've come from.
I love you,
Dad
